


Watchers, Slayers, and Annoying Undead Gits

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Buffy the Vampire Slayer fusion, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-14 15:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/838437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which John is the new Slayer's Watcher, and Sherlock is a friendly(ish) vampire Sally is not allowed to slay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watchers, Slayers, and Annoying Undead Gits

**Author's Note:**

> A spontaneous AU fic for the [AU Ficathon of Absurdity](http://earlgreytea68.livejournal.com/420191.html)!
> 
> (Yes, I am having way too much fun with this ficathon, I know.)

The building was warded against vampires, but Sherlock had worked out how to get past that sort of thing _long_ ago. The protections at the Watcher’s Council headquarters were far more complex. Next to those, these wards weren’t even a challenge.

Sherlock stuck to the shadows as he crept through the house, as silent as a shadow himself. As he approached the training room he slowed, hearing the sounds of activity within.

He cracked open the door and slipped inside. The new Slayer was there, oblivious to his presence, clumsily practicing martial arts moves with a lack of skill that was almost painful to watch.

“You’re doing that kata entirely wrong,” Sherlock told her. The Slayer gasped, eyes widening as she stumbled at the realisation that there was a vampire in the room.

The girl spun around, diving for the nearest weapon, and Sherlock leapt hastily backwards as she came up with a stake.

“I wouldn’t,” he advised quickly, his eyes never wavering from the stake. “I have a soul. Certain persons within the Watcher’s Council would be profoundly displeased if you slew me.”

“What, you expect me to believe that?” the Slayer asked, her face twisted in scorn and fear, as though facing down a vampire was still something she found unnerving. Very new, indeed. Sherlock revised his estimate of how long she had been the Slayer for downwards by a couple of months.

“Actually, he’s telling the truth,” said a mild voice behind Sherlock, and Sherlock turned to face the girl’s Watcher with a swift grin, although he kept her firmly within his field of vision.

“John.”

“What are you doing here?” John Watson asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Visiting you, of course,” Sherlock told him, wondering if John was ever going to be broken of his habit of needing to be told things that were obvious. In this case John had already deduced the answer, anyway, so Sherlock honestly didn’t understand why he bothered asking. “I heard that you were the new Slayer’s Watcher.”

“And, you heard about that, how?” John asked pointedly.

“I have my ways.”

“You went through Mycroft’s desk again, didn’t you?” John asked, looking knowing and resigned.

“He never tells me anything,” Sherlock complained, with a huff.

“Uh, excuse me,” the Slayer interrupted, waving her stake around threateningly, “but how the hell can a vampire have a _soul?_ ”

John sighed, very long-suffering.

“He _used_ to be the best mage the Council had. Unfortunately, one of his experimental spells went a little wrong.”

“It went exactly as planned,” Sherlock said curtly, offended at this slight on his abilities.

“Oh, so you _planned_ to be a vampire, did you?”

“Of course not. I hardly expected the creature to attack me halfway through the spell.”

“It was a _vampire!_ ” John exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “And you bloody well promised me you wouldn’t mess about with that sort of thing unless I was there, you lying pillock!”

Since this was true, Sherlock declined to respond.

“And now you’re a _vampire_ , with a soul, and half the Council wants to murder you even more than they did before you were Turned!”

“I’m fine.” As though those idiots would ever pose a true threat.

“You’re _not_ fine. You were never fine. You’ve always been certifiable.”

Since this was a familiar line, said with the usual mixture of baffled fondness and exasperation, Sherlock simply smiled at him.

In spite of himself, clearly against his will, John smiled back, all irritated affection.

“Oh my God,” the Slayer screeched, eyes almost popping, “are you having some kind of _love affair_ with a _vampire?_ ” 

Sherlock scowled as she gave him a look of fascinated revulsion.

“No, Sally, I’m not having a love affair with a vampire,” John said, in the kind of patiently calm tones that meant he was carefully controlling his annoyance. “We’re friends, that’s all.”

“The freak vampire has _friends?_ ” the Slayer demanded, and Sherlock decided that this one was even more annoying and idiotic than Slayers usually were.

“Just John,” said Sherlock, at the same moment as John said, “Sally, don’t call him a freak.”

“He _is_ a freak,” the Slayer objected. “He’s a vampire with a soul, how is that not a freak?”

John’s mouth formed a firm line, and Sherlock smirked at the Slayer.

“Sally.”

“ _Fine_ ,” the girl sneered, and stormed off. Right before she left the room she spun and threw the stake in Sherlock’s direction with great force. He caught it easily.

The Slayer made a noise like an infuriated cat, and left.

“You should have her practicing with throwing weapons,” Sherlock advised, examining the stake. Badly-made. “A good set of throwing knives, perhaps. Her katas are dreadful.”

There was a long, slow sigh.

“You’re not going to help me train the Slayer, Sherlock. I mean it.”

“Of course I am,” Sherlock replied dismissively. “If nothing else, her constant attempts to slay me should improve her skills.”

“Oh, God, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Mycroft when he recommended I take this post.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re going to produce the most skilled, annoyingly idiotic Slayer the world has ever seen.”

“She’s not an idiot, Sherlock.” Sherlock sent him a flat look of disbelief. “And what’s more, calling her one isn’t exactly going to make her warm up to you.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” A somewhat vicious smirk touched Sherlock’s lips. “Hatred is a vicious motivator, John.”

“Oh Jesus Christ, what did I ever do to deserve this?” 


End file.
